Melania Trump Made a Movie and Brett Ratner Directed It

Let me set the scene. It is January 30th, 2026. Amazon Prime Video — the streaming arm of the company that sells you toilet paper and surveils your doorbell — is releasing a documentary about Melania Trump, directed by Brett Ratner. Brett Ratner. The guy who has not directed a movie in this country in roughly a decade for reasons everyone reading this remembers. They wheeled him out of the garage, dusted him off, handed him a camera, and pointed him at the First Lady. This is the project. This is what got greenlit. Somewhere there is an Amazon executive in a quarter-zip telling his wife he is doing important work.

The documentary is called Melania. It currently sits at a 3.4 on TMDb, which I did not know was a number you could achieve. You have to work for a 3.4. You have to make active, deliberate choices. And somewhere in a data center, the algorithm is going to recommend this to a widow in Phoenix right after she finishes Virgin River. That is the country now.

The Pitt — Season 3 (HBO Max)

Noah Wyle is back in scrubs for a third season of the show that is legally distinct from ER because it's set in Pittsburgh and everyone is sadder. This is the one prestige drama left on television where the central conflict is that the hospital is out of beds and a guy is bleeding in the hallway, which — let's be honest — is the only story in America anymore. It's great. It's the best thing on this week. An 8.7 with 644 votes is not an accident.

Memory of a Killer (Hulu)

Patrick Dempsey is an NYC hitman who is also a photocopier salesman in Cooperstown who also has Alzheimer's. I want to be clear: I did not make any of that up. That is the show. Somewhere in a writers' room on the Fox lot, a guy pitched "McDreamy but he's killing people and also Xerox" and a room full of adults said "run with it." Honestly? I kind of respect it. When every show is a Marvel spinoff or a true-crime docuseries about a woman who killed her husband with a Crock-Pot, give me the photocopier hitman. Give me the man with two lives and no memory. This is what we deserve.

Wonder Man (Hulu / Disney+)

Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, an actual movie star, has been conscripted into the Marvel content mines to play Simon Williams, a character you have never heard of and will never think about again after this sentence. Ben Kingsley is back as Trevor Slattery because Disney cannot let go of a bit. The show is apparently about "two actors at opposite ends of their careers chasing life-changing roles," which is a way of saying Disney pitched a Hollywood satire inside their own superhero factory. That is very brave. That is like Boeing making a documentary about airplane doors.

The Wrecking Crew (Prime Video)

Dave Bautista and Jason Momoa play estranged half-brothers in Hawaii investigating their father's mysterious death. It is 125 minutes long. It has a 6.9. It is exactly the movie you think it is, and on a Saturday night when you have eaten too much and your spouse is mad at you, it will be the correct choice. Morena Baccarin is in it. Temuera Morrison is in it. Nobody is trying to win anything. That's the magic.

Take That (Netflix)

A three-part documentary about the British boy band Take That, which is the kind of thing Netflix greenlights instead of paying residuals. If you are a 47-year-old woman in Manchester, this is your Super Bowl. Everyone else will scroll past it on the way to Selling Sunset.

Mardaani 3, Daldal, A Letter to My Youth

Bollywood and Indonesian drama on Netflix and Prime this week, and if you're in the audience for them you already know. Rani Mukerji hunting traffickers in Mardaani 3 is genuinely a 20-year franchise doing the thing American action movies forgot how to do, which is be about something.

The network zombies are shambling

Grey's Anatomy (season 23), Law & Order: SVU (season 27), Law & Order classic (season 25), The Rookie (season 8), Chicago Fire (season 14). These shows have been on television longer than some of the actors on them have been conscious. SVU premiered in 1999. The first episode aired before 9/11. Mariska Hargitay has arrested more fictional New Yorkers than actually live in New York. At some point a network executive is going to realize that instead of spending $200 million on a show nobody watches, they could just keep making SVU until the sun explodes. We are very close to that realization. I fear it.

Also: a movie Andrew Stanton made

In the Blink of an Eye on Hulu is a sci-fi drama about three storylines spanning thousands of years, with Kate McKinnon, Rashida Jones, Daveed Diggs, and a pair of Neanderthals. Directed by the guy who made WALL-E and Finding Nemo. Currently sitting at a 5.4, which — for a guy with two Pixar masterpieces on his shelf — has to sting. Watch at your own risk. Some careers are just accumulating weight.

Pick of the Week

Miracle: The Boys of '80 on Netflix. It's a documentary about the 1980 US hockey team beating the Soviets, told with never-before-seen 16mm footage and the actual players reflecting on the moment. This is a week where the competition is a Brett Ratner Melania movie and a photocopier hitman. Go watch Americans beat Russians at hockey and feel something uncomplicated for 108 minutes. You've earned it. If you want prestige instead, The Pitt season 3 is the right answer.

The closer

Amazon made a Melania documentary. Disney made another Marvel show nobody asked for. Netflix is uploading a Take That doc. Somewhere in Burbank, a man with a $40 million compensation package is telling his board that engagement is up. Engagement. People clicking on a thumbnail, watching four minutes, and closing the laptop to stare at the ceiling. That's the number he's pitching. That's the metric. Good night, and good luck.